Beta Day

I went for my blood test this morning. When the alarm went off I did not want to get out of bed to face this day. Perhaps I should be excited but I am more fearful. I have been teary all morning. Now I am at work. I know I said I would work from home today but plans change. Because of the apartment situation I had to work from home yesterday to view some apartments. So I am in the office today. I think it is probably better this way. More of a distraction.

My co-worker that is aware that I am in the middle of this process brought me flowers today. How sweet is that?! It is a nice reminder that people are in my corner and cheering me on whatever the outcome.

D and I decided we would wait and get the news together. So, I will be home for the news be it good or bad. As soon I receive the news I will post here with the results.

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I am updating to post. I am PREGNANT.I am in shock. This new was totally unexpected.I totally blew the agreement with D. I missed the call so the voicemail was there and I just kept staring at the phone. D's boss was in town so he was having a very busy day at work. I tried to reach him to listen to the message together. I just had to hear that message. He could not talk. So, I contemplated for about a second before I flipped that phone open and pressed 1 talk to dial VM. My nurse Sue on the other end sounded happy. And I thought as she was speaking the words .." I am calling today to tell you you are PREGNANT!" Oh my goodness. Good news. This worked. My one little embyro made it. He stuck with me and is growing in me right now. I closed the phone. Luckliy for me it was still listed as a new message. I thought I could still listen with D later and that is how he will find out. I ran to my co-workers office closed her door and said for the first time ever I am pregnat. She jumped up we hugged and cried. I was shaking. It is just shocking. We talked for a long while. I came back to my office and just had to listen to the message again. I mean what if I only heard what I wanted to hear. I listened again. Sure enough I am pregnant. My HCG # is 306. I go back on Friday to repeat. Please let this bean stick. Please let that number double.

So, my plan was still to wait until D and I could listen to the message at home but that soon changed. He got tied up at work with the boss in town. We knew this might happen. When D called me on my way home from work and asked my how I was doing I replied Good. It was a little too good of a response. That prompted him to ask if I listened to the message. I could not lie. So D was told over the phone on the way to a meeting with his boss. Not exactly what I imagined in my head but what really ever is.

Less than 24 hours to go...

By this tme tomorrow we will know if we will get the best present ever in January 09. I am still thinking negatively. I know.. I should stop that. Can't help it.

I will be sure to post the results as soon as I have them.

13dp3dt

Only two more days to go till we find out if all this craziness has paid off in the form of one firm implanted growing embryo. I think the chances are pretty slim. (Actually I know the chances are slim.I think we had about a 30% chance this would work. Those are not great odds). I am still experiencing a few symptoms. I get up usually twice a night to pee. I have the occasional cramp. I am tired a lot. But all those things may be the cause of the estrace and PIO shots. So, only two more big needles one tonight and one tomorrow night. I feel pretty calm about all of this right now. I hope this means I will deal with any negative news well. But I fear not. So, I will work from home on Wednesday. I do not want to get that call at work. I am also thinking of letting the call go to voicemail. That will allow D and I to get the news together. I do not want to be the one the tells D I am not pregnant. Have I mentioned how much all of this sucks.

On the apartment front things have continued to be interesting. We have negotiated three different sums for us to be reimbursed for our troubles. The owners/buyers are at our home today for the inspection. The owner indicated to D that this sale may not go thru in the end. If that is the case we will stay put. Who the hell wants to pack and move all their shit after just moving in thirty days ago. In preparation for the possible upcoming move we have begun to seek new accomodations. Let me tell you there is nothing in Boston for June 1st. So, we got crap. D is meeting with the realtor today to few two more pads. I wonder if we will ever be settled....
I wish I was pregnant and we could just move to Portland. But that would require a whole job search thing on top of the whole home search thing. Hey... A girl can dream.

9dp3dt- Feeling Blue

So, I am feeling very different. And not in a good way. My boobs no longer hurt and I feel like my old self. So it seems this cycle is a bust. I have 6 more days until the beta test but I am sure it will only confirm what I have been feeling. I have been tearing up all day. Over all kinds of stupid stuff. D does not even seem to be aware that we are waiting to find out if we are pregnant and yet I cannot stop thinking about it. In my head I am already onto IVF #2. That is probably not the best attitude but I think it is a form of self preservation. I am trying to protect myself. I am planning to work from home the day of the beta. I am sure I will not be in any kind of shape to deal with the public. I am sorry to be such a bummer. I wish this was not the case. Boo-hoo for me.

7dp3dt- ZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Okay- I just typed a long post and it is gone. This is BS.

So, you now get the sort version. I could not sleep. But I could last night.
I still have slightly sore breasts but I am beginning to feel this did not work. 7 more days till beta.

Our landlord wants us out after a month and a half so she can sell. Total BS. She will have to compensate us handily for this major pain in the ass.

thanks to blogger that is all you get

Starting to obsess- 5dp3dt

So, I thought I was handling this all so well. I did not have baby brain every second of the day. I was able to ficus on other things. I fear it is the beginning of the end. I once again had a hard time falling asleep ( what is this all about anyway?). Not sure if that is a symptom or not. When I woke up this morning my breasts were not as sore as they were the day before. I had a moment of panic. "Oh no this did not work. I will never be pregnant, blah, blah, blah". Then I started the counting on my hands. I have been doing this almost 100 times a day.It has been 5 days since the transfer, 8 days past the retrieval. On and on I go. Today marks 10 days past the HCG trigger shot. HCG is supposed to leave your system 1 day for every 1000 units. My trigger was 10,000 units. So that means if I POAS today it should be negative. But I am not going to. I have seen far to many of those negative sticks in my lifetime. I have promised myself I will wait until the beta, which is still 10 whole days away.
I need to get back to that positive place. This worke. I know this worked. We will be having a New Years baby.

4dp3dt

It has been 4 days. I am feeling...well, good. Maybe I am not suppose to? I mean, if I am pregnant maybe I should feel something? On Thursday and Friday I was crampy, not a lot. Just a bit throughout the day. Today nothing. I could not sleep again last night but that might be because I went to bed 5 minutes after I ate dinner( a burrito at that). So, I am feeling nothing. But the big surprise about this is I am very calm. I am not obsessing about all this every second of the day. 11 more days to blood test. I am choosing to remain optimistic.

In other news...

Spring has sprung. The sun is out and I was able to go out of doors without a coat for this first time since probably September of last year(have I mentioned I need to move to a warm climate). I spent three whole hours doing nothing but enjoying the warm rays from the sun. Well that and tossing a ball non-stop to the pooch. It has been a lovely day indeed.

3dp3dt

That is 3 days pasy a 3 day embryo transfer. Only 12 more days to beta. How am I feeling you ask, hmmm... normal. I have the occasional cramp or twinge. I was really tired when I woke up this morning. I got up three times to pee last evening(which may explain why I was so tired this morning). That is it. I got nothing. And I think it is suppose to be this way. How frustrating! I wish I just knew! I guess I am a bit on edge. Not all the time but I have my moments. Some moments I am completely at peace, not obessing about Am I? or Not?. Most of the time my thoughts do not drift anywhere else. I am back at work today. I thought that might help. Nope. As of this very moment I am feeling very hopeful, very positive that this has worked and by the new year we will be celebrating a new life. Or not.

The Eagle has Landed

Today is day two of bedrest and I am starting to go a little stir crazy. I mean there is only so many girly movies, television talk shows one girl can take. I digress... The transfer is what I am here to write about.

The transfer was scheduled for 11:15 on Tuesday, the 15th. Tax Deadline(is this a good sign or a bad one). We were to arrive an hour earlier at 10:15. I think we were almost thirty minutes late. My husband was late (not according to him, according to him I should have told him to be ready earlier, hmm...I going to choose to ignore this for now, we had someplace important to be). Then we hit traffic going across town. Of course. We arrived, valet, elevator to the 5th flr, hello to the nurse in reception and immediately brought into a small curtain area to undress and wait for nurse & Doctor. My husband was given scrubs to change into. I could tell he was feeling a bit uneasy about being a spectator for this event. But he was a trooper. He put his booties and we waiting. We saw the nurse. We checked out ok. She let us now that Dr. G., our Dr., was performing the transfers today. Yeah! I was happy about that. A short time later Dr. G. stopped by. He had the report on our embryos. All 6 were still growing but not well. One embryo had made it to 7 cell (the norm on day 3 is 6 to 8 cell) and was grade 1 (the best). We had decided earlier to only transfer a single embryo but I thought there may be some dicussion on whether to transfer 2 given the quaility of the others. I was a bit worried about this because I think my reaction would have been that we should go for two but D. would be very scared. Dr. G. solved that for us. He came in and said "we have 1 excellent quality embryo to transfer. He must of known we were doing a single embryo transfer today and he wanted to make sure he was it". It was such a small thing but that statement made me feel really good anout transferring the one. It just felt right. D. put his mask on and we headed into the OR. I hopped up on the table. The lovely nurse that assisted rolled over a seat for D. My legs were draped and placed in stir up. The embryologist checked confirmed with me my name and date of birth, my hospital bracelet and then we were ready. I could not help but cry. They were happy and sad tears. Happy that we were finally here after all the appts. discussions, tests, waiting. It was finally happening. But a bit sad because you cannot help but feel that We should not have to be here. Other people do not have to be here. Don't get me wrong I am so grateful that this is available and available to me. But I can see the sadness in D's eyes that he is responsible for this, that he wishes he did not have to see me with my legs in stir ups and a dr. inserting our baby to be into me. Not what one imagines when making a child. The nurse asked me not to move during the acutal procedure. The Dr. does a test run and then the cathether with our embryo was brought in. He said "when you feel my hand do not move". I felt his hand. I closed my eyes. I focused on my breath. I did not move. The nurse said "30 seconds" and then it was all over. The speculum was removed. I sat up and was moved to a recliner on wheels. I was recovering from my weepiness when Dr. G said "this is for you, it looks like an 8-cell to me". He handed me a picture of our embryo. Well the water works picked right back up. They were happy tears. I was rolled back into my curtan room and left to recline for 30 minutes. I used the rest room, dressed and left. I have been on bedrest since. I have until tomorrow morning and then I am liberating myself. I try to remain positive. I am trying to remain stress free. I just want this to work. Pregnancy test on 4/30.

Triggers, Retrievals and Transfers Oh My!!

Let's catch up shall we. I got the call on Thursday morning(after another round of bloodwork and a ultrasound) that I was ready. I had made 9 eggs. So for my efforts my husband could stab me with an inch and a half needle at precisely 9:45 pm. After this pleasurable expereince (really he did a great job) we were to report to the hospital at 8:45am on Saturday for a 9:45 retrieval. The retrieval occurred right on schedule. After the procedure I awoke back in my hospital bed. When I glanced at the clock it was 10:10 am. At the same time husband walked back into the recovery area with a fresh cup of coffee that I could not enjoy. He was surprised to see me so soon. I was given gingerale and saltines. After about an hour I used the restroom, dressed and was wheeled out of the hospital to the taxi. Oops I forgot the best part. Before we left the embryoloist stopped by to tell us how many eggs they got. The number was 10. I was happy with this as I was praying for double digits. So we go home am wait for the fertilization report.

Said fertilization report came at 11:30 am on Sunday. We were at Patagonia purchasing my a spring rain jacket. When the voice on the other end of the phone announced herself as Dr. my heart skipped a beat. Usually it is bad news if the Dr. calls. Thankfully that was not the case. Doctor told me the out the the 10 eggs, 7 were mature. Out of those 7 eggs, 6 fertilized. I felt my eyes fill up. But I did not cry. I don't think they minded. I was so relieved we had made it past this hurtle.I thanked the Doctor and promptly delivered the report to my husband and the other patrons at Patagonia.

Now we wait. Another round of waiting. This whole process involves a lot of waiting. We wait for another phone call. Today's call is to provide us an update on our embryos. If the embryos are still growing we will be given a time for the transfer that will occur sometime tomorrow. My fingers, toes, legs and eyes are crossed.

The Day Before

So, once again I break my promise to update more frequently. Oh well.

Let's see the last couple of days were a repeat of the the few days prior. Stickign myself with two needles daily, another stick by the nurse and wand stuffed up my female parts in hopes to see lots of eggies growing. All exciting stuff. And to thing some people just have sex to have a baby. How boring.

I am happy to report my estradiol level has been sufficiently raised and thus far my body has produced 9 folliciles. That progress allowed me the pleasure of having an inch and a half needle stick in my ass last evening courtesty of my husband. I am sure he enjoyed it more than I. This shot should tell my body to release those beautiful 9 eggs in 36 hours.

With the shot in the ass completed the next step is to report to the hospital at 0845 on Saturday for the egg retrieval. I am anxious to get this surgery part over with. The procedure should only take about 45 minutes and then I get to hang around for an hour or two until I can prove I know how to urinate on my own. Then I get to return home to lie on the couch, read trashy mags, and watch terrible movies. And maybe a little vomiting thrown in the mix. I have stocked up on my supply of gingerale, mags, and gatorade (which I have made made to understand is a must for anyone undergoing an egg retrieval).

I am excited to get this show on the road. I am experiencing wild swings from being absolutely convinced this will work to being sure it will not.

Fingers & Toes are crossed.

Cycle Day 12

Yesterday's report was E2 level was 693. I have 5 measurable follies. But the nurse failed to tell me the size. I was told to continue meds for Monday and Tuesday and return for bloodwork and ultrasound on Wednesday morning. My initial thought was Thank God I have not ovulated(I had a dream the night before that I had). And then I was happy that my E2 level more than doubled in two days. And I have 3 more measurable follies. Ah, but then.. Then I run to the internet to measure my progress against any information I can find. Why do I do this? It just makes me crazy. I have no reason to believe anything is "wrong". However I have diagnosed myself as a slow responder and I am now convinced I must have old eggs. Oh brother. Tell me it is the hormones. I know it is just me being me. I think the worst part of this process has been the not knowing. Not knowing what your next steps will be, will my medication be increased? decreased? when will I trigger? When will my retrieval and transfer be? I need to learn to give up control. This process has made me unable to focus on anything else. Work.. what is that? I did tell my boss what I am going thru. Oddly enough I had an employee give notice at work so she and her husband can focus on conceiving. I completely understood. And happily my boss did to. He and his wife went thru IVF and had a baby just about this time last year. Other than my boss and one co-worker I have only confided in one friend. We had agreed not to tell anyone. We wanted to avoid people asking how things were going all the time. I told this one friend that I actually do not talked to that often because it turns out she is starting down the path of exploring why she and her husband have not been successful in their attempts to get pregnant. So I wonder why are there so many people having trouble having children. Is it the age-factor? We are all waiting to have children. Is it the work thing? It really is that we are all stressed at work and it is affecting our fertility.

On the symptom side of things I am happy to report I feel fine. I have had those few earlier lupron headaches and a few night sweats. Those have stopped. Other than a few "rumblings" in my lower ab region I feel no different. I hope that is okay. I better go check the internet.

On to cycle day 13.