Do we really need to move? YES

So as I mentioned previously David is really itching to move. Me. Well I guess. I just know how nvolved it all is to pack up all your belonging and drive those 3k miles. I know too well. This would be move # 5. I too miss much about Portland. But I guess I am a bit gun shy. Plus with everything else going on I am hesitate to make any other life changing decisions. Although that is not stopping me from seeking out blogs of all the portlanders I can find. That gets me excited.
But then the reality of the job market splashes rain on my parade. Are there jobs in Portland these days? I know things were really tight back in 97. And I realize much has changed these last 10 years ( hmmm 10 years, where did those go?). But does one of those things include the job market. David would like to find a position at Nike, Nau or Adidas. But not sure that is going to happen without an inside contact. I cannot see us going anywhere until the job sitch is sorted. In ten years I have either gotten smarter or boring. Not willing to make that leap without a net. Besides if you been reading along you know that it has been all about the baby making in these parts. One thing at a time please.

It is all about the Archibald!!

He is the most wonderful, kick-ass doggy. Everyone says so. So there.

A Gift

If you have been reading ( no one reads this thing) you know things have not been great around these parts lately. In fact things have sucked. But things are taking a bit of a turn. We had a big talk and it seems we do both want the same things. Each other. But we do a really crappy job of remembering that when life gets in the way. And life has really been in the way these last 4 or so years.

So, we are officially getting our collective crap together and making things happen. I have scheduled not one , not two, but three doctors appointments for next month. It is time to get to the bottom of all that ails us. Check that off the list for now.

We agreed we both need a different environment in which to live. So yes, you guessed it the Portland conversation was had again. We agreed that it is a goal to return to Portland but that we have a few things to do before we make that happen. Namely a Baby. Given our current circumstances allow us some assistance in the assisted baby making it makes sense to stick around for now.

There have been several interviews this week that if they work out will go along way in elevating David's mood and our bank balance.

We both agreed that we have lost some good things about ourselves that we need to get back. No more dinners with TV, No more tv in the bedroom. Time to get the camera and the paints going. And to get the creative juices flowing we are headed to the new ICA(finally) tomorrow to check out that art stuff.

So we have a plan and we will both need to do our best to stick to the plan and not let life get so much in the way.

Last evening I was walking with the great archibald rufus and a women approached me. She handed me a Kennedy half-dollar. I asked why and her reply" a random act of kindness". I gripped the coin in my palm and watched as she turned to walk away. Tears streamed down my face. Guilt I guess. A reminder that yes, I have had a whole lotta shit to deal with over the last four years but there have been good things too. We need to appreciate what we have and see the good things in life. Because just when you are accusing the world of being harsh and selfish a woman comes along and hands you a coin.

Oh yeah.. As she walked away I opened my palm and looked at the coin. It was dated the year of my birth. I will take this as a sign. My life is about to take a turn for the better. I will make it so.

It happened

Tonight. It happened tonight. My future blank. My heart in pieces. You see tonight I approached David with what I view ( what most would view) as a betrayal. A betrayal of our vows, a betrayal of trust, a betrayal of me. But also a betrayal of himself. For the past several years this person I love has been fading away. Replaced by an angry, frustrated and defeated man. This is not the person I married. This is not the person I fell in love with eleven years ago. I can still see that person. I see glimpses every now and then. I see the fear and pain weaved so tightly in with anger. But I do not know how to help. I would move mountains for him. But he keeps pushing back. So, Divorce. That is the word spoken tonight. I could have stopped it but that would have meant me betraying myself. Me giving up what I want. Giving up my self respect. Things have been on this downward spiral for the last few years. We have had more than our fair share to deal with. I always thought at least we had each other. But I was wrong. We didn't. We don't. Now what?

I feel numb.

Portland & Babies, Babies and Portland

Everywhere I look I see pregnant ladies and some picture, article, new friends and Portland. Why is that call still there.... A baby in Portland? Maybe.

Happy Halloween

It is fall. Last night I jump in and out of the leave piles. Delighted in the crunch, crunch they make. This morning the sun is shiny and warm. And plans to play hooky with a new friend are in the works. Life is beautiful.

It was a wonderful weekend at the Beach. Even though I have been ready for cooler weather and maybe even a bit of rain it was nice to have a few more warm days before the long winter. AR had a fantastic time doing his favorite things; swimming and digging in the sand. And although it was back to the office today the weather remains fab. 80 degrees and all sunshine in October. That puts a smile on my face.

Phone ringing...

I'm back. That was an old co-worker that is planning a get together for another old co-worker who will be in town from Ireland. Wow. So unexpected. It will be great to see her.

So, back to today and the sun and everything. Other than the sun I am still have this feeling that y life is on the verge of a big change. Not sure in what form the change will come. But I have a sense it will be large. Move, job change, something is on the horizon. I can feel it.

Inspiration

I have been totally avoiding the work thing this afternoon and cruising a few of my favorite blogs many of which contained lists of stuff to do, stuff they did, or stuff they never want to do. What can I say it is catchy.. So my list of things to do over the nex year (I have stolen a few of these from a few of my favorite friends).

1. Run 20 miles per week religiously
2. Read more books
3. Cut white flour from my food choices
4. Make efforts to meet new people
5. Send more Thank you notes
6. Start wearing more skirts and dresses
7. Cut back on Coffee consumption
8. Say NO to unwanted commitments and invites
9. Take a daily vitamin
10. Stop coloring my hair
11. Stop obsessing on losing that 15 or 20 lbs. Focus on doing and eating what makes me feel good.
12. Knit more
13. Save more of my money
14. Remember that my life can be ( is) anything I want it to be

Ah... Sunshine

This is what we did today

Last Vacation Wake Up

Ah.... Back to the grind tomorrow. I accomplished much of what I wanted to in these last 8 days. That knitting project started many, many moons ago.... Hmm... it is almost done ( I screwed up when switching to the circular needles. I have to undo my mess before I can finish the last twenty rows). I started a new knitting project. I treated myself to many breakfasts in bed, spent many hours lingering in book stores, had my hair colored, had some time to think thru some business ideas. And maybe, just maybe my marriage is not over. We have broken thru something. There is still much more there to deal with but neither one of us seems ready to give up or dive into more gut-wrenching relationship fixing talks. So, I think we will sit with where we are for now and continue to make efforts to be good to eachother.

I am off to enjoy the rest of my vacation. Catch up with you from the soul crushing space that it my office.

To Move or Not to Move

It is no secret the looloo household has been in turmoil lately. The marriage has been on the skids. I can always see so clearly where we go wrong. Somehow he sees it so differently. Why can he not see that I am right:) All of the time. But seriously.. life has been very hard for us these first three years of our marriage. We have had more than our fair share to deal with; Infertility, buying a house, dealing with not one but two floods, selling a house, moving, two arrests, disagreements with neighbors, loss of a job, new job, continued unemployment. It is a ton and typing this alll out was probaby a mistake because I can feel my shoulders getting heavy with the weight of all of it. Needless to say one does not go thru all of these things without some scars and this marriage has been blooded and bruised. Just when you think it is on the mend something else happens to make you want to jettison the marriage and run like hell. We have not run yet but the D word has been tossed about. It is not clear to me yet what I really want. It is hard to get around all these events, to push them out of the way, and see this person as the someone you love or like even. The "like" part may be even more important. There is feelings of guilt, there is anger, there is question marks all over the place. We are both so exhausted from dealing with all of this stuff that it is hard if not impossible to summon the energy required to work at "fixing" it. Especially if you are not sure it can be put back together.

In the middle of all of that is the need for my husband to find a career. It is so important to his health and well being. For some work can be just a means to and end and for others it is really important that work defines who we are in some way big or small. My husband is definitely in the latter group. Although a small piece of him is in the first group. So, it is a struggle. He will accept a position knowing it is not something that fits because he is wearing his "means to an end" cap. Inevitably the need to do purposeful work that defines you speaks up and make him and me miserable and he is unemployed once again. Many people do not understand this need. I do, I really do. I am very patient with him in this area because I do understand. However when things are tough like they are now that means to an end must win out, and currently it is not. I adds a whole layer of shit on this shaking shit sandwich of a marriage we go going go.

So, as I mentioned previously we move. No, we are not moving right now. At least there are no plans to move. But it is always there. Move. I need to explain a bit. We met 11 years ago this week ( happy anniversary hunny). Within moments we were a couple. It was fantasic, it was run around and spin with my arms out until I am sick, good ( as a friend once said). He was working on plans to move to Portland, Oregon at the time. Well as those plans got closer and closer, the realilty of him going 3k miles away was too much for us to take and he asked me to come along. Beng twenty-five and in love I jumped on it. Quit my job, shipped are belongings on the amtrak train( great and inexpensive way to get your shit across country) and drove four long days and nights to Oregon. It was exciting, it was scary, it was fun... And then not so much. Uprooting your life and driving across the country with someone you have known 6 months and tough stuff. You are venerable. Your relationship is forced to grow to places it is not ready too. We were both scared and did not know how to handle it well. Not to say it was all bad. It wasn't, we had fun exploring our new city but the uneasiness of this new relationship in this new place led us to focus all that onto the place not us. So, as a good friend that came to visit us in Portland will say everytime (much to my annoyance) "you guys hated it there..." . Not true. There was so much we liked but being in a new place is hard. We trapped ourseleves into thinking that the place we knew well and were comfortable in = better ( so not true, major relationship mistake #2, the first being move across the country with someone you have known for 6 months, not a good idea to insert yourself in someone elses dream). Anyway. There we were in Portland and we could not get out of the "Portland has this But back there has INSERT ANYTING AND EVERYTING and that is SO MUCH BETTER" mode. Then I got a great job offer back home. And I chickened out of my new life and took it. The job actually turned out very well, for years I moved up that corporate ladder with great increases in salary and great perks. But we both regretted not being strong enough to create a new life in a new chosen city. Regretted not taking that risk fully and completely. And it has haunted us ever since. Especially my other half. You can imagine. I jumped in on his dream and then he gave that up for my great job offer back home(relationship mistake # 3 ). Especially since things have not gone well for him in the last ten years we have been back here. The call back to Portland has always been there for both of us. Once I asked him.. " do you ever thing that if we were in Portland things for us would be good and almost perfect..?" He immediately said yes. And I know he got exactly what I was asking. It is not just about moving back there, like that will fix everything. It is almost as if we are supposed to be there. Things in our universe will be right. Hmmmm........ I am not sure that either of us or our marriage could take another cross country move and all that comes with it right now but a part of me believes it is just what we need.

Letting go

I slept in this morning and allowed myself to enjoy every minute it off it. I am off work this week. I do not have anything planned. At least not big, definite plans. I would like to make tme for a visit to the new ICA in Boston. I would like to finish knitting my first sweater. It is for a baby. A baby I thought I would have by now. But three years have gone by with numerous doctors visits and surgeries and still no baby. You never think having a baby would be hard or impossible (note to self.... do not knit anything for a baby until you have one. It is too heartbreaking). When the baby was not happening I put the sweater aside. I decided this week I need to finish it and start a new knitting project. I really enjoyed knitting so it is time to get back to it. The cold weather has arrived this week too, so no excuses. I am thinking a newsboy cap for myself.

This afternoon I will be attending a wake. My cousins Father in law was killed in a motorcycle accident over the weekend. 59 years young. Life is really very short. And I wish I could remember that always. Not just at a time like this...

I forgot to report in all the misery lately I had a nice day yesterday. It was spent with new friends who I think I will know for a very long time.

Failing already..

So, I just started this and already I cannot keep up. I have no excuses. Life has been sucky lately and far too painful to spurt it all out here. Not yet anyway. I am off work this week. Five whole days to do whatever I want. Definately no excuse not to post here.

I feel I am on verge of great change. I feel it comng I just cannot yet see what it is yet. I know this one is big.

It is raining. Rufus is at my feet. Life is nice right in this moment

Love, Love and....And Some Heartache

This has been a week of gut-wrenching, head-banging, foot-stomping, head-shaking (possibily life changing) screaming matches. Do I? Do we? What do we do now? The answers escape us both. We have resolved nothing but we are too exhausted to continue talking about. It takes a lot of work to be angry at the one you love. All that work and still no revalations. Maybe in the middle of this silent limbo we will discover our answers. We covered the gamut from sharing household chores, friends, to the biggy; Kids. They have been a source of many "conversations" over the last three years. It was never a question of whether we wanted them, we do (I think we still do, but there was a large pronouncement somewhere in the middle of one of those knock down, drag out doosies the was meant to make me think otherwise). But WHEN??!!! The when is hard. Especially when it comes to us. It has been proven that we are a wee bit challenged in that arena. The "when" when you are us is more involved. As in medical intervention. Hey I understand the hestitation. Having kids is a bit of leap of faith. When you know exactly what lies ahead to enable you to have them it gives you more think to think. So, we thinking too much these days. Maybe we should move back out west before we have kids. I think I should get a new job before we have kids........ We should have $xxxxx in the bank before we have kids. Don't get me wrong having kids is BIG. Very Big. And asking ourselves all those questions can be good. But. There will always be reasons not to do it. But the reasons to do it our bigger and better.

But I am wondering should we move? You do not know us yet but you will soon discover that we move. It is what we do. Avoidance and distractions. It just might be our answer. Resist. Resist.

A big shout out to my big black furry cuteness who very generously kept me company during this long dark week. Thank you for all your kisses.