To Move or Not to Move

It is no secret the looloo household has been in turmoil lately. The marriage has been on the skids. I can always see so clearly where we go wrong. Somehow he sees it so differently. Why can he not see that I am right:) All of the time. But seriously.. life has been very hard for us these first three years of our marriage. We have had more than our fair share to deal with; Infertility, buying a house, dealing with not one but two floods, selling a house, moving, two arrests, disagreements with neighbors, loss of a job, new job, continued unemployment. It is a ton and typing this alll out was probaby a mistake because I can feel my shoulders getting heavy with the weight of all of it. Needless to say one does not go thru all of these things without some scars and this marriage has been blooded and bruised. Just when you think it is on the mend something else happens to make you want to jettison the marriage and run like hell. We have not run yet but the D word has been tossed about. It is not clear to me yet what I really want. It is hard to get around all these events, to push them out of the way, and see this person as the someone you love or like even. The "like" part may be even more important. There is feelings of guilt, there is anger, there is question marks all over the place. We are both so exhausted from dealing with all of this stuff that it is hard if not impossible to summon the energy required to work at "fixing" it. Especially if you are not sure it can be put back together.

In the middle of all of that is the need for my husband to find a career. It is so important to his health and well being. For some work can be just a means to and end and for others it is really important that work defines who we are in some way big or small. My husband is definitely in the latter group. Although a small piece of him is in the first group. So, it is a struggle. He will accept a position knowing it is not something that fits because he is wearing his "means to an end" cap. Inevitably the need to do purposeful work that defines you speaks up and make him and me miserable and he is unemployed once again. Many people do not understand this need. I do, I really do. I am very patient with him in this area because I do understand. However when things are tough like they are now that means to an end must win out, and currently it is not. I adds a whole layer of shit on this shaking shit sandwich of a marriage we go going go.

So, as I mentioned previously we move. No, we are not moving right now. At least there are no plans to move. But it is always there. Move. I need to explain a bit. We met 11 years ago this week ( happy anniversary hunny). Within moments we were a couple. It was fantasic, it was run around and spin with my arms out until I am sick, good ( as a friend once said). He was working on plans to move to Portland, Oregon at the time. Well as those plans got closer and closer, the realilty of him going 3k miles away was too much for us to take and he asked me to come along. Beng twenty-five and in love I jumped on it. Quit my job, shipped are belongings on the amtrak train( great and inexpensive way to get your shit across country) and drove four long days and nights to Oregon. It was exciting, it was scary, it was fun... And then not so much. Uprooting your life and driving across the country with someone you have known 6 months and tough stuff. You are venerable. Your relationship is forced to grow to places it is not ready too. We were both scared and did not know how to handle it well. Not to say it was all bad. It wasn't, we had fun exploring our new city but the uneasiness of this new relationship in this new place led us to focus all that onto the place not us. So, as a good friend that came to visit us in Portland will say everytime (much to my annoyance) "you guys hated it there..." . Not true. There was so much we liked but being in a new place is hard. We trapped ourseleves into thinking that the place we knew well and were comfortable in = better ( so not true, major relationship mistake #2, the first being move across the country with someone you have known for 6 months, not a good idea to insert yourself in someone elses dream). Anyway. There we were in Portland and we could not get out of the "Portland has this But back there has INSERT ANYTING AND EVERYTING and that is SO MUCH BETTER" mode. Then I got a great job offer back home. And I chickened out of my new life and took it. The job actually turned out very well, for years I moved up that corporate ladder with great increases in salary and great perks. But we both regretted not being strong enough to create a new life in a new chosen city. Regretted not taking that risk fully and completely. And it has haunted us ever since. Especially my other half. You can imagine. I jumped in on his dream and then he gave that up for my great job offer back home(relationship mistake # 3 ). Especially since things have not gone well for him in the last ten years we have been back here. The call back to Portland has always been there for both of us. Once I asked him.. " do you ever thing that if we were in Portland things for us would be good and almost perfect..?" He immediately said yes. And I know he got exactly what I was asking. It is not just about moving back there, like that will fix everything. It is almost as if we are supposed to be there. Things in our universe will be right. Hmmmm........ I am not sure that either of us or our marriage could take another cross country move and all that comes with it right now but a part of me believes it is just what we need.