Do we really need to move? YES

So as I mentioned previously David is really itching to move. Me. Well I guess. I just know how nvolved it all is to pack up all your belonging and drive those 3k miles. I know too well. This would be move # 5. I too miss much about Portland. But I guess I am a bit gun shy. Plus with everything else going on I am hesitate to make any other life changing decisions. Although that is not stopping me from seeking out blogs of all the portlanders I can find. That gets me excited.
But then the reality of the job market splashes rain on my parade. Are there jobs in Portland these days? I know things were really tight back in 97. And I realize much has changed these last 10 years ( hmmm 10 years, where did those go?). But does one of those things include the job market. David would like to find a position at Nike, Nau or Adidas. But not sure that is going to happen without an inside contact. I cannot see us going anywhere until the job sitch is sorted. In ten years I have either gotten smarter or boring. Not willing to make that leap without a net. Besides if you been reading along you know that it has been all about the baby making in these parts. One thing at a time please.

It is all about the Archibald!!

He is the most wonderful, kick-ass doggy. Everyone says so. So there.

A Gift

If you have been reading ( no one reads this thing) you know things have not been great around these parts lately. In fact things have sucked. But things are taking a bit of a turn. We had a big talk and it seems we do both want the same things. Each other. But we do a really crappy job of remembering that when life gets in the way. And life has really been in the way these last 4 or so years.

So, we are officially getting our collective crap together and making things happen. I have scheduled not one , not two, but three doctors appointments for next month. It is time to get to the bottom of all that ails us. Check that off the list for now.

We agreed we both need a different environment in which to live. So yes, you guessed it the Portland conversation was had again. We agreed that it is a goal to return to Portland but that we have a few things to do before we make that happen. Namely a Baby. Given our current circumstances allow us some assistance in the assisted baby making it makes sense to stick around for now.

There have been several interviews this week that if they work out will go along way in elevating David's mood and our bank balance.

We both agreed that we have lost some good things about ourselves that we need to get back. No more dinners with TV, No more tv in the bedroom. Time to get the camera and the paints going. And to get the creative juices flowing we are headed to the new ICA(finally) tomorrow to check out that art stuff.

So we have a plan and we will both need to do our best to stick to the plan and not let life get so much in the way.

Last evening I was walking with the great archibald rufus and a women approached me. She handed me a Kennedy half-dollar. I asked why and her reply" a random act of kindness". I gripped the coin in my palm and watched as she turned to walk away. Tears streamed down my face. Guilt I guess. A reminder that yes, I have had a whole lotta shit to deal with over the last four years but there have been good things too. We need to appreciate what we have and see the good things in life. Because just when you are accusing the world of being harsh and selfish a woman comes along and hands you a coin.

Oh yeah.. As she walked away I opened my palm and looked at the coin. It was dated the year of my birth. I will take this as a sign. My life is about to take a turn for the better. I will make it so.

It happened

Tonight. It happened tonight. My future blank. My heart in pieces. You see tonight I approached David with what I view ( what most would view) as a betrayal. A betrayal of our vows, a betrayal of trust, a betrayal of me. But also a betrayal of himself. For the past several years this person I love has been fading away. Replaced by an angry, frustrated and defeated man. This is not the person I married. This is not the person I fell in love with eleven years ago. I can still see that person. I see glimpses every now and then. I see the fear and pain weaved so tightly in with anger. But I do not know how to help. I would move mountains for him. But he keeps pushing back. So, Divorce. That is the word spoken tonight. I could have stopped it but that would have meant me betraying myself. Me giving up what I want. Giving up my self respect. Things have been on this downward spiral for the last few years. We have had more than our fair share to deal with. I always thought at least we had each other. But I was wrong. We didn't. We don't. Now what?

I feel numb.